Was woken up in the middle of the night by a dream about an ex. In the dream, I spotted her in some strange mall, and I was eyeing her ... seeing where she was going. Trying to catch her attention. She ends up looking at baby beds, and she sees me. She starts going on about being alone, but wanting a baby. I, of course, try to talk her out of that silliness. She asks me why we never worked out, and I politely tell her, "Because you didn't love me."
Upon waking up, I was struck by this awful stomach pain that has been on again/off again a recurring bane of my existence. Now, it's nearly 4:30 in the morning, and I still can't sleep because I'm in too much pain.
Gotta wake at 8 AM to go to my job that I'd kill any one of you with a sharpened bone to be able to skip this week.
Aging is for the birds.
Monday, August 29, 2011
Monday, July 11, 2011
Still True
I ran across this old blog entry from about 3 years ago on a now defunct blog o' mine. It still holds true, albeit without the sense of crazed desperation I felt back then.
I find it physically painful to restrain the urge to keep driving ... and driving and driving and driving ...
I want to go everywhere. I want to do marvelous things. I want to be in very specific somewheres at very specific sometimes.
I want to eat everything on the planet simultaneously. I want to drink anything until I burst. So long as it's cold.
I want to feel sick. Lovesick, homesick, carsick, sick from being full. Sick from simply being well too long.
I don't want to be HERE, doing whatever THIS is.
I want to feel fulfilled. I want to feel validated. I want to create things I'm actually proud of.
I want to be unafraid. I want to be unconcerned.
I want to be emotionally transparent. I want to be intellectually stimulated. I want to be free.
I want to weep from the pure hope of it all.
I want to be many things that I am not, nor will I ever be ... because I simply don't have the capacity.
But, mostly, I don't want to have to try. And so it goes ...
I find it physically painful to restrain the urge to keep driving ... and driving and driving and driving ...
I want to go everywhere. I want to do marvelous things. I want to be in very specific somewheres at very specific sometimes.
I want to eat everything on the planet simultaneously. I want to drink anything until I burst. So long as it's cold.
I want to feel sick. Lovesick, homesick, carsick, sick from being full. Sick from simply being well too long.
I don't want to be HERE, doing whatever THIS is.
I want to feel fulfilled. I want to feel validated. I want to create things I'm actually proud of.
I want to be unafraid. I want to be unconcerned.
I want to be emotionally transparent. I want to be intellectually stimulated. I want to be free.
I want to weep from the pure hope of it all.
I want to be many things that I am not, nor will I ever be ... because I simply don't have the capacity.
But, mostly, I don't want to have to try. And so it goes ...
Friday, May 6, 2011
Party.
Ever walk around in a drug store drunk, under the fluorescent lights, picking out a Mother's Day card, reeking of tequila ... with puffy, red eyes from crying?
No?
Well, you don't know how the hell to celebrate Cinco de Mayo, nerd.
No?
Well, you don't know how the hell to celebrate Cinco de Mayo, nerd.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Old School Is The New School
I'm sure all of it's a phase that will fade away as quickly as the "Homeless Guy With Golden Voice" buzz ... but, I'm enjoying living life like it's the year 2000 lately.
A buddy and I were recently discussing how ICQ should make a comeback. If you have to ask what ICQ is, you don't know nothin' and I don't respect you. It was like hotornot.com (back when that was considered a legitimate dating site), Myspace, and let's just say ... Wal-Mart ... all wrapped into one back in the day. It was the communication method. It was the FUTURE! And then it died a horrible death when everyone left it like a sad old ghost town for AIM. I held on for as long as I could, sticking to my good ol' ICQ until I was like the mayor of the application. Just me, by myself, with no damn contacts left.
But, for nostalgia reasons, we dug up our old ICQ numbers, dusted them off, and logged in. And it's actually .... not bad at all. You can import AIM contacts (although I've had some problems with that), and also all your Facebook chat contacts. Of course, none of my old ICQ contacts still use the thing, but I think all of you should. Join the revolution. I'm at ICQ #: 143702682. Holler.
Beyond that, I've been working out regularly again. Jogging, lifting weights, doing the ab workouts, eating better, the whole bit. Back when I was in high school and fresh out, I was in great shape. I was in weightlifting, used to box, play football. I look at old videos and pictures from back then and it makes me feel like some sort of amorphous, unwieldy blob. So, to hell with it. I'm committing to getting back in shape with more than a "Well ... I'll jog a couple times a month, and eat one grilled meal instead of fried every two weeks and see what happens" approach. I'm sore as hell, and I'm sure I'm embarrassing myself publicly ... but, it feels great. If my willpower can stand the test of time, I might be able to take my shirt off in public without shedding tears before summer's end.
Got myself some Dr. Bronner's soap and an accupressure mat. When the hell did I turn into such a punkass?
This punkass is going to take a shower, drink some wine, and write up a business proposal. It's almost like I'm a responsible adult man. But, I'm only faking it for the cameras ...
A buddy and I were recently discussing how ICQ should make a comeback. If you have to ask what ICQ is, you don't know nothin' and I don't respect you. It was like hotornot.com (back when that was considered a legitimate dating site), Myspace, and let's just say ... Wal-Mart ... all wrapped into one back in the day. It was the communication method. It was the FUTURE! And then it died a horrible death when everyone left it like a sad old ghost town for AIM. I held on for as long as I could, sticking to my good ol' ICQ until I was like the mayor of the application. Just me, by myself, with no damn contacts left.
But, for nostalgia reasons, we dug up our old ICQ numbers, dusted them off, and logged in. And it's actually .... not bad at all. You can import AIM contacts (although I've had some problems with that), and also all your Facebook chat contacts. Of course, none of my old ICQ contacts still use the thing, but I think all of you should. Join the revolution. I'm at ICQ #: 143702682. Holler.
Beyond that, I've been working out regularly again. Jogging, lifting weights, doing the ab workouts, eating better, the whole bit. Back when I was in high school and fresh out, I was in great shape. I was in weightlifting, used to box, play football. I look at old videos and pictures from back then and it makes me feel like some sort of amorphous, unwieldy blob. So, to hell with it. I'm committing to getting back in shape with more than a "Well ... I'll jog a couple times a month, and eat one grilled meal instead of fried every two weeks and see what happens" approach. I'm sore as hell, and I'm sure I'm embarrassing myself publicly ... but, it feels great. If my willpower can stand the test of time, I might be able to take my shirt off in public without shedding tears before summer's end.
Got myself some Dr. Bronner's soap and an accupressure mat. When the hell did I turn into such a punkass?
This punkass is going to take a shower, drink some wine, and write up a business proposal. It's almost like I'm a responsible adult man. But, I'm only faking it for the cameras ...
Sunday, March 27, 2011
And Then There's This ...
A few misfit clips I've shot that needed a cozy home ... in your heart. Enjoy?
Friday, March 25, 2011
Butter On Yer Bagel
Every time I write something about updating this thing more frequently, or tell myself to get on the damn thing and write a blog entry more often, I slip into some sort of creative coma and return only to apologize and rebuke everything I've previously written. So, here's another one of those. With lagniappe.
Thankfully, the parade season has come and gone. Having lived in various parts of Louisiana for a number of years, the magic has all but died, and the result is that I look at parades as one long, excruciating traffic nightmare. I enjoyed riding in one parade, and drinking enough to dissolve those unnecessary portions of my liver. I repeated the feat for St. Patrick's Day (which I generally don't celebrate), because of a work function. As stated in my lame mission statement, I'm continuing to work on my upcoming radio show, and try to drum up freelance work on top of my normal soul-sucking responsibilities.
Trying to do the podcast more often, but that's still proving to be a kick in the teeth. Here's the deal: I record the Radio Wazoo podcast from the radio station in the French Quarter where I work 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. Going back on a weekend night and spending it recording feels like an extra day of work, and it keeps me from feeling like doing the damn thing at all. I recently (finally) got a much-needed raise, so I'm hoping to invest in some home recording equipment that will allow me to do the podcast in a more free form. Maybe I'll do little mini-updates that aren't whole shows. I don't know. I kick around useless ideas more often than I care to admit.
Beyond that, the radio show I'll be doing will be posted as a "podcast" of its own on the site, so hopefully that'll matter to a couple of people.
My problem is that I can create things all damn day long ... but, I'm terrible at the technical aspect of things, the marketing aspect of things, and the business aspect. Which is why I will remain deep within the sad, crusty margins and might as well be making dream catchers and giving them to old ladies.
I'm thinking about getting a dog. As I've gotten older, I've become selfish and cynical. A part of that is realism and ambition, but sometimes I worry that it's overboard, and I'm on a runaway train to becoming a bitter old coot in gardening pants, tearing up Nerf footballs that land in my yard. I'm thinking that getting a dog might soften me a little bit. Maybe force me out of the house more, make me more affectionate. It might be good for me. I basically live like a 28 year old child. I work at a fun job that feels like playtime, I live alone and don't pick up after myself as often as I should or cook as often as I should. Maybe being responsible for a beast will make me grow up a little.
Then again, that's a 10 to 15 year commitment. That's long. I can't even commit to where I might live in a couple of years, buying new things, or even committing to dinner plans a week ahead of time. It makes me feel tethered. What the hell will I do if I've got a dog? Do you know how long I'll be in the fetal position crying if that thing finally up and dies when I'm 42? I don't know if I can handle that. My trick to avoiding pain is never allowing its foot in the door in the first place. I'm an emotional coward in that way.
I don't know what's what yet. I'm rambling.
Another update coming soon. Something different. I'm sick of this "me me me" self-indulgent crap. This is just me keeping the fingers moving and having absolutely nothing to say from the onset. Public mental masturbation. Glad you peeked in when I opened up the trench coat here. Hey .... if I'm going to waste MY time, I'm glad I could waste yours as well.
Thankfully, the parade season has come and gone. Having lived in various parts of Louisiana for a number of years, the magic has all but died, and the result is that I look at parades as one long, excruciating traffic nightmare. I enjoyed riding in one parade, and drinking enough to dissolve those unnecessary portions of my liver. I repeated the feat for St. Patrick's Day (which I generally don't celebrate), because of a work function. As stated in my lame mission statement, I'm continuing to work on my upcoming radio show, and try to drum up freelance work on top of my normal soul-sucking responsibilities.
Trying to do the podcast more often, but that's still proving to be a kick in the teeth. Here's the deal: I record the Radio Wazoo podcast from the radio station in the French Quarter where I work 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. Going back on a weekend night and spending it recording feels like an extra day of work, and it keeps me from feeling like doing the damn thing at all. I recently (finally) got a much-needed raise, so I'm hoping to invest in some home recording equipment that will allow me to do the podcast in a more free form. Maybe I'll do little mini-updates that aren't whole shows. I don't know. I kick around useless ideas more often than I care to admit.
Beyond that, the radio show I'll be doing will be posted as a "podcast" of its own on the site, so hopefully that'll matter to a couple of people.
My problem is that I can create things all damn day long ... but, I'm terrible at the technical aspect of things, the marketing aspect of things, and the business aspect. Which is why I will remain deep within the sad, crusty margins and might as well be making dream catchers and giving them to old ladies.
I'm thinking about getting a dog. As I've gotten older, I've become selfish and cynical. A part of that is realism and ambition, but sometimes I worry that it's overboard, and I'm on a runaway train to becoming a bitter old coot in gardening pants, tearing up Nerf footballs that land in my yard. I'm thinking that getting a dog might soften me a little bit. Maybe force me out of the house more, make me more affectionate. It might be good for me. I basically live like a 28 year old child. I work at a fun job that feels like playtime, I live alone and don't pick up after myself as often as I should or cook as often as I should. Maybe being responsible for a beast will make me grow up a little.
Then again, that's a 10 to 15 year commitment. That's long. I can't even commit to where I might live in a couple of years, buying new things, or even committing to dinner plans a week ahead of time. It makes me feel tethered. What the hell will I do if I've got a dog? Do you know how long I'll be in the fetal position crying if that thing finally up and dies when I'm 42? I don't know if I can handle that. My trick to avoiding pain is never allowing its foot in the door in the first place. I'm an emotional coward in that way.
I don't know what's what yet. I'm rambling.
Another update coming soon. Something different. I'm sick of this "me me me" self-indulgent crap. This is just me keeping the fingers moving and having absolutely nothing to say from the onset. Public mental masturbation. Glad you peeked in when I opened up the trench coat here. Hey .... if I'm going to waste MY time, I'm glad I could waste yours as well.
Monday, January 31, 2011
The ... Plan?
I've pretty much committed to leaving New Orleans when my lease expires. There are times when I still love it here, and there are people who make my time here great ... but, I've been spinning my wheels in the same place for years now. I'm worn out.
My exit strategy involves trying to find work that doesn't rely on geography ... or my proximity to a specific place. I want to be able to move somewhere I really enjoy, and work freely from there. Not have to depend on where work is to live somewhere.
It's proving to be extremely hard. But, I'm feeling creative ... and I think I can hammer it out. I have about a year and a half from now to get it done.
Aaaaaannnnd .... GO!
My exit strategy involves trying to find work that doesn't rely on geography ... or my proximity to a specific place. I want to be able to move somewhere I really enjoy, and work freely from there. Not have to depend on where work is to live somewhere.
It's proving to be extremely hard. But, I'm feeling creative ... and I think I can hammer it out. I have about a year and a half from now to get it done.
Aaaaaannnnd .... GO!
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Get the Fun Back
A while back, I made a brief list of choices I can make and ways I can go about making my life more enjoyable again. In the past few years, a lot of the simple joys have seemingly gone bye-bye ... and surprisingly enough, I was able to point to a few things that caused it. I'm not one for resolutions, because they're really just well-intentioned lies. But, I'm slowly implementing some of these things, and I have to be honest ... it's helping. I plan to do every damn thing on the list at some point. Hopefully in this year. And hopefully that won't end up a well-intentioned lie.
1. Friendships. Real friendships are the most important thing. Surrounding myself with people I actually want to be around, not feel obligated to see. And surround myself with them often. Don't be afraid to call people on a whim.
2. Adventures. Little road trips, trips to the aquarium, the sculpture garden, the museum ... go places. Do things I've never done in the city, or haven't done in a long time. Doing new, fun things is key.
3. Photography. Get a decent camera and take pictures again. Lots of them. Name them. The fun I had with that and the quiet enjoyment I got out of taking and sharing them was huge. Back to the old school. Those moments are priceless, and video isn't the same.
4. Image. Get back in shape and start giving a fuck about how I look again. Start dressing better. It's okay to look good. It inspires confidence.
5. Guilt. Let go of the guilt I feel over people I may have hurt or may be hurting. Live my life for what makes me happy, and stop worrying about how every little thing I do affects other people. If my intentions are without malice, they don't warrant guilt. Be free.
6. Separate. Stop treating my life like it's a business or I'm an entertainer. Do things because I enjoy them, not because people are expecting output. I don't need to be prolific. I'm not making money off of these things. Create when I'm feeling creative, not because I feel obligated to. Don't worry about keeping up with twenty different online profiles and promotion. Let it go.
7. Drink. No, seriously .... drink more. Not fall-down drunk, but have a couple of drinks after work. Get loose. Allow myself to chase my own head around. De-stress. A bottle of good liquor, or beer in the fridge goes a long way.
8. Untether. Draw the line between work and real life. My job is not who I am. Live my real life after work and don't stress about it. I don't get paid enough to stress about it. Added responsibility is what killed magic in my life. Don't allow it to. It's just like an Alltel job (or any of my shitty jobs). It's just my job. It's what I do to pay bills and afford my REAL life afterward.
9. Write. Writing allows me to expound on thoughts and discover new ideas I never really thought about just by keeping the fingers moving. It's really my best form of expression. Get back into it. Blog more. Get back on Livejournal, if need be.
10. Emotions. Cry randomly when it hits me for seemingly no reason. Stop stifling that. Take little drives past places with memories attached, listen to sad music, and allow myself to feel those feelings. I've been acting like a super-efficient Spock for too long, and it's murdering emotion. Highs and lows are minimal. Allow myself to feel both intensely again. Push my own hand with these emotions, if need be.
11. Think. Go on drives and listen to music, go for a walk or jog. But, just unplug and allow myself to have ideas and enjoy my own thoughts.
12. Sex. I've played the field for a while now, and a lot of the guilt and stressful entanglement I've gotten into is because of that. Don't be so afraid to go after someone I'm genuinely interested in. I haven't been in love for over six years now. That feeling is amazing. Just getting laid is FUN ... but, it ultimately leads to stress and guilt and self-loathing and depression. Stop being afraid to be in a real relationship. With someone I genuinely feel something for.
13. Laze. Be unproductive. Take entire days and weekends where I do no writing or editing or podcasting. I don't need to stress myself out with these things when they're gaining me nothing. Instead, take the time to enjoy things around me. Wake up early and get drunk and play Mario Golf. Go eat and walk around. Whatever it may be, just have fun and don't worry about things that are essentially meaningless and nothing more than self-induced stresses.
14. Music. Get back into music, and actively seek out new and good songs and bands. New music creates an atmosphere, and will attach itself to events and memories in ways that enrich the entire experience.
15. Film. Start making Youtube videos again, and don't worry about how many views or comments they get. Just do it for fun. Don't force it. If there's a day where it feels good to create one, do it and share it. It's fulfilling to get those ideas out there just because I feel inspired to again.
16. Read. Reading gave me food for thought and enriched the way I saw the world. Take a day where I just lay around in bed and read. Go through a whole book in a day or two. Really dive in. Or just put time aside to commit to one. It helps the old brain.
1. Friendships. Real friendships are the most important thing. Surrounding myself with people I actually want to be around, not feel obligated to see. And surround myself with them often. Don't be afraid to call people on a whim.
2. Adventures. Little road trips, trips to the aquarium, the sculpture garden, the museum ... go places. Do things I've never done in the city, or haven't done in a long time. Doing new, fun things is key.
3. Photography. Get a decent camera and take pictures again. Lots of them. Name them. The fun I had with that and the quiet enjoyment I got out of taking and sharing them was huge. Back to the old school. Those moments are priceless, and video isn't the same.
4. Image. Get back in shape and start giving a fuck about how I look again. Start dressing better. It's okay to look good. It inspires confidence.
5. Guilt. Let go of the guilt I feel over people I may have hurt or may be hurting. Live my life for what makes me happy, and stop worrying about how every little thing I do affects other people. If my intentions are without malice, they don't warrant guilt. Be free.
6. Separate. Stop treating my life like it's a business or I'm an entertainer. Do things because I enjoy them, not because people are expecting output. I don't need to be prolific. I'm not making money off of these things. Create when I'm feeling creative, not because I feel obligated to. Don't worry about keeping up with twenty different online profiles and promotion. Let it go.
7. Drink. No, seriously .... drink more. Not fall-down drunk, but have a couple of drinks after work. Get loose. Allow myself to chase my own head around. De-stress. A bottle of good liquor, or beer in the fridge goes a long way.
8. Untether. Draw the line between work and real life. My job is not who I am. Live my real life after work and don't stress about it. I don't get paid enough to stress about it. Added responsibility is what killed magic in my life. Don't allow it to. It's just like an Alltel job (or any of my shitty jobs). It's just my job. It's what I do to pay bills and afford my REAL life afterward.
9. Write. Writing allows me to expound on thoughts and discover new ideas I never really thought about just by keeping the fingers moving. It's really my best form of expression. Get back into it. Blog more. Get back on Livejournal, if need be.
10. Emotions. Cry randomly when it hits me for seemingly no reason. Stop stifling that. Take little drives past places with memories attached, listen to sad music, and allow myself to feel those feelings. I've been acting like a super-efficient Spock for too long, and it's murdering emotion. Highs and lows are minimal. Allow myself to feel both intensely again. Push my own hand with these emotions, if need be.
11. Think. Go on drives and listen to music, go for a walk or jog. But, just unplug and allow myself to have ideas and enjoy my own thoughts.
12. Sex. I've played the field for a while now, and a lot of the guilt and stressful entanglement I've gotten into is because of that. Don't be so afraid to go after someone I'm genuinely interested in. I haven't been in love for over six years now. That feeling is amazing. Just getting laid is FUN ... but, it ultimately leads to stress and guilt and self-loathing and depression. Stop being afraid to be in a real relationship. With someone I genuinely feel something for.
13. Laze. Be unproductive. Take entire days and weekends where I do no writing or editing or podcasting. I don't need to stress myself out with these things when they're gaining me nothing. Instead, take the time to enjoy things around me. Wake up early and get drunk and play Mario Golf. Go eat and walk around. Whatever it may be, just have fun and don't worry about things that are essentially meaningless and nothing more than self-induced stresses.
14. Music. Get back into music, and actively seek out new and good songs and bands. New music creates an atmosphere, and will attach itself to events and memories in ways that enrich the entire experience.
15. Film. Start making Youtube videos again, and don't worry about how many views or comments they get. Just do it for fun. Don't force it. If there's a day where it feels good to create one, do it and share it. It's fulfilling to get those ideas out there just because I feel inspired to again.
16. Read. Reading gave me food for thought and enriched the way I saw the world. Take a day where I just lay around in bed and read. Go through a whole book in a day or two. Really dive in. Or just put time aside to commit to one. It helps the old brain.
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